In the Beginning, There Was This Poem About a Giant Penis

A penis poem? WTF am I thinking?

When an author launches his/her website, it is a momentous occasion, analogous to, say, the maiden voyage of a luxury transatlantic ocean liner. The author’s first blog post, therefore, could be equated to the ship’s christening. It is a blessing that beseeches this unproven vessel not to sink in the middle of the wwwaters.

The first blog post is akin to a comedian’s lead-off joke, a musician’s demo tape, a restaurant’s grand opening. It’s a tone-setter for all the author’s wisdom and wankings to come. It is, in short, a career-defining event, not to be taken lightly.

This post needs to have impact. Gravitas. Balls.

But the challenge posed is what to write about. I considered offering some luminous insights into my creative process, but felt this would be rather precocious and presumptuous of me. I could narrate a humorous anecdote about a nun, a cowboy and a three-legged gorilla… nay, too frivolous an application for this forum. Share some true-life episodes involving my family, friends, colleagues—that would indubitably land me into trouble with somebody (consider these rejected posts: ‘Daddy Does Demerol’ and ‘My Pal Ed’s Secrets to Seducing the Unconscious’). Hobby-hawking? Not here, Jose! Chronicle all the dreams I’ve had featuring our portliest celebrities pole-dancing to ‘Hooked on Classics’? I shan’t bore you with such nonsense.

So you see my conundrum. I was stumped.

And then, at last, inspiration struck!

Come, let us take a trip down Sawney Hatton’s memory lane to revisit one of my earliest compositions, written twenty-five years ago whilst attending public high school. Be forewarned, it is a poem, and while I don’t fancy myself at all poetical, in those formative years I penned this potent (NSFW) verse, a combination of cerebral profundity and puerile metaphor, perhaps best classified as ‘Absurdist Pornetry.’ In retrospect, it was indeed a foretoken of great things to follow.

Ladies and Gentleman, please enjoy this, the cyber premiere of Sawney Hatton’s minus opus, ‘A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR’:

Once upon a time between now and then

People milled about the city

Among fetid trash and rats and piss

Cement and steel, dull and gritty

They ministered to their tight schedules

Occasionally pausing just to stare

So long as they weren’t involved,

Why should they spend precious time to care?

It was a typical gloomy urban day

When the grey clouds parted in the skies

And an enormous penis descended down

While the people watched with awestruck eyes

It throbbed as it hovered over them

A humongous blood-engorged phallic god,

And it drooled a golden seltzer juice

From the crimson tip of its erect rod

As the people looked on horrified

While the shaft continued to leak

They were even more shocked to discover

That it was even able to speak

It talked in a deep, omnipotent voice

From the orifice at the end of the cock

And people listened intently to hear

If it visited to praise them, or to mock

And the Penis said:

“I have thus appeared in an image

That you are most able to comprehend

Yet I announce that I must hurry

For I have other affairs to attend

“Let me tell you not to give up on each other

In each heart, there is something of worth

It is the one with the capacity to love

Who is the richest man on this Earth

“So do not neglect those who love you

For they don’t mean any malice nor pain

They’re the ones who will be there for you

To shelter you from the cold raging rain”

With those simple words, the ground quaked

And a great crevice split in the road

Then the Penis entered this chasm

Where it violently unleashed its load

The crevice next began to fuse

The Penis disappearing within it

And the people watched with eyes aghast

Wondering how the huge organ could fit

From dark jagged cracks in the concrete

Flowers of all shapes and colors bloomed,

People, though, soon grew disinterested

And alas the entire world was doomed

They started to trudge their separate ways

Only concerned with their business, when

The celestial sun had begun to set

But it would never rise up again