When an author launches his/her website, it is a momentous occasion, analogous to, say, the maiden voyage of a luxury transatlantic ocean liner. The author’s first blog post, therefore, could be equated to the ship’s christening. It is a blessing that beseeches this unproven vessel not to sink in the middle of the wwwaters.
The first blog post is akin to a comedian’s lead-off joke, a musician’s demo tape, a restaurant’s grand opening. It’s a tone-setter for all the author’s wisdom and wankings to come. It is, in short, a career-defining event, not to be taken lightly.
This post needs to have impact. Gravitas. Balls.
But the challenge posed is what to write about. I considered offering some luminous insights into my creative process, but felt this would be rather precocious and presumptuous of me. I could narrate a humorous anecdote about a nun, a cowboy and a three-legged gorilla… nay, too frivolous an application for this forum. Share some true-life episodes involving my family, friends, colleagues—that would indubitably land me into trouble with somebody (consider these rejected posts: ‘Daddy Does Demerol’ and ‘My Pal Ed’s Secrets to Seducing the Unconscious’). Hobby-hawking? Not here, Jose! Chronicle all the dreams I’ve had featuring our portliest celebrities pole-dancing to ‘Hooked on Classics’? I shan’t bore you with such nonsense.
So you see my conundrum. I was stumped.
And then, at last, inspiration struck!
Come, let us take a trip down Sawney Hatton’s memory lane to revisit one of my earliest compositions, written twenty-five years ago whilst attending public high school. Be forewarned, it is a poem, and while I don’t fancy myself at all poetical, in those formative years I penned this potent (NSFW) verse, a combination of cerebral profundity and puerile metaphor, perhaps best classified as ‘Absurdist Pornetry.’ In retrospect, it was indeed a foretoken of great things to follow.
Ladies and Gentleman, please enjoy this, the cyber premiere of Sawney Hatton’s minus opus, ‘A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR’:
Once upon a time between now and then
People milled about the city
Among fetid trash and rats and piss
Cement and steel, dull and gritty
They ministered to their tight schedules
Occasionally pausing just to stare
So long as they weren’t involved,
Why should they spend precious time to care?
It was a typical gloomy urban day
When the grey clouds parted in the skies
And an enormous penis descended down
While the people watched with awestruck eyes
It throbbed as it hovered over them
A humongous blood-engorged phallic god,
And it drooled a golden seltzer juice
From the crimson tip of its erect rod
As the people looked on horrified
While the shaft continued to leak
They were even more shocked to discover
That it was even able to speak
It talked in a deep, omnipotent voice
From the orifice at the end of the cock
And people listened intently to hear
If it visited to praise them, or to mock
And the Penis said:
“I have thus appeared in an image
That you are most able to comprehend
Yet I announce that I must hurry
For I have other affairs to attend
“Let me tell you not to give up on each other
In each heart, there is something of worth
It is the one with the capacity to love
Who is the richest man on this Earth
“So do not neglect those who love you
For they don’t mean any malice nor pain
They’re the ones who will be there for you
To shelter you from the cold raging rain”
With those simple words, the ground quaked
And a great crevice split in the road
Then the Penis entered this chasm
Where it violently unleashed its load
The crevice next began to fuse
The Penis disappearing within it
And the people watched with eyes aghast
Wondering how the huge organ could fit
From dark jagged cracks in the concrete
Flowers of all shapes and colors bloomed,
People, though, soon grew disinterested
And alas the entire world was doomed
They started to trudge their separate ways
Only concerned with their business, when
The celestial sun had begun to set
But it would never rise up again